these are the days when i feel that the world is in slow motion.  everything is dull, i can't see even a single vibrant color.  i go through everyday just the same.  nothing new, nothing bold, nothing exciting.  every morning i wake up, go to school, go home, watch tv, then go to sleep.

the colors around me are starting to be dull... i am afraid one day all i can see is black and white, all i can taste is bitter, all i can hear is silence, all i can feel is nothing...  i am afraid, to tell you.  i am afraid of what can happen, of what's to come, or even who's to come. 

when i was a kid, i used to be carefree.  i didn't care if life is good or harsh.  that's because life wasn't harsh back then.  life was beautiful.  life was not about problems, dilemmas, failures, etc.  as i grow old, life became more complex everyday.  gradually, i felt the weight of the responsibilities attached to growing old.  i felt the pressure of the people around me.  i saw the things i didn't see before.  it was not a pleasant sight. 

of course, i also felt that life is good.  as i grow, i developed different friendships.  my network of friends grew and is continuing to grow.  i felt blessed to feel their love, presence and concerns.  everytime a friend opens up to me or shares his/her problem with me, i felt good.  the fact that they chose to share their problems or angsts with me made me feel important.

but hey, life isn't all about friendship, loving family, ups and downs, truimphs, failures and responsibilities, right? i am missing something.  life is also about love.  silly as it may sound, we cannot ignore the fact that we are all hopeless romantics in our own ways.  we dream of the perfect guy/girl.  we wait for the right one.  but, is there really a perfect one for us? should we really wait or should we go out there and find him/her?

as for me, i have also loved and lost, sadly.  i wanted everything to be right so bad that i ended up losing all.  they say it was his fault, not mine.  but i tried to think that it was not all his fault.  i tried to think of the things that led to this.  i thought hard until it hit me.  i am to be blamed also.

the reason is because i am AFRAID.  i am afraid to show emotions, affections, and my real self.  i observed that i am not the type of person that says what she feels, or does what she wants to do.  i thought that i was using my heart over my mind.  i thought wrong.  it turned out that i am a mind person.  i always think before i do something.  i always think of what other people might think if i do this or if i do that.  i thought i was using my heart in making decisions, but i was wrong.  all this time, i was ignoring my heart just because i thought i was making the right decisions.

i had to hit rock bottom to realize these things.  suddenly, i thought that i was like a robot all this time.  i never thought of what i really want.  i always think of what my family wants or what they say is right.  its not that i blame my family, its just that i have not spoken of what i really want.  i realized that all this time, i was afraid to make decisions of my own.  i was afraid of speaking up for what i want.

i think its because my family loved me so much that they were afraid i might make the wrong decisions.  back when i was choosing a course to pursue in college, they were the ones who chose my course.  i always wanted to pursue engineering.  but they insisted on me taking up physics or math because these were my highest grades in my report card.  i didn't even try to convince them.  i just followed them.

the only desicion that i made and am proud of is when i decided to apply in PMA.  i told them i wanted to take the entrance exam.  fortunately, they agreed.  and i can tell, i really was determined.  i realized that i excel or do good in the things that i want. 

at a young age, i am not really worthy of saying that life is beautiful.  i am only 19.  i have not yet experienced and lived life to its fullest.  but i can proudly say that now, i am not afraid anymore.  hey, why should i be afraid? after all, i have the best family anyone can ever have and i have the most amazing and wondelful circle of friends.  last but certainly not the least, i have the One up there looking after me and always beside me in everything i do. 

hey craker jaw!!! hehehe..ui, penge po ng mga addy ng mga blog ng ga tao ha! thanks!! break aleg!!:P

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